Understanding the concept of the inner child is crucial for grasping the challenges we face in our relationships, both personal or professional, as well as issues related to addictions, anger management, jealousy, fears, ego traps, and various self-sabotaging or self-defeating behaviors. Frequently and subconsciously we allow our inner child to make decisions that should rightfully be made by our more mature "adult" selves.
What Inner Child Work?
Inner child work is a process of healing emotional wounds from childhood. It focuses on reconnecting with your younger self to meet previously unmet needs. We explore and define the various parts of our identity and the roles these parts have played in our lives. This process aims to uncover the root causes of issues like fear, separation, jealousy, anxiety, self-esteem problems, addiction, attachment issues, or loss. By engaging in this work, we can investigate the "who, what, where, and when" of our initial hurt. Recognizing this hurt aids in healing by fostering understanding of behaviors with compassion rather than rejection.
At some point in our lives, we have all encountered childhood wounding. For some, these wounds are deeper, especially if they involve trauma or abuse. We all carry the wounds of our "Little Me." This Little Me developed coping strategies that were beneficial at the time, sometimes aiding us in surviving tough situations, but these strategies likely no longer benefit us as adults. We often overlook these mechanisms or are not aware of them as they become part of our identity, learned from a young age - we don't consciously remember everything that has happened to us, yet it is all stored in our unconscious memory, where the inner child resides. Therapy helps us pin point childhood wounding that presents in adulthood, emphasising the need to acknowledge process our wounding and develop new coping skills and tools from an adult Self-Led perspective.
Who is the adult?
The adult is the part of you that is responsible, grounded, clear and authentic. The 8 Cʼs of SELF can be a usefui guide:
• Compassionate
• Curious
• Cooperative
• Creative
• Calm
• Clarity
• Courageous
We also take into account other aspects of SELF that you want to include, reflecting on your values can be beneficial
Who is the child?
The child part of you is the innocent, joyful, creative, and a wonderful part of your being that brings laughter and joy to yourself and others. That part of you is unconditional and loving. It's also the part of you that gets fearful, can feel unsafe, and needs validation.
How are the adult and child different?
The adult is more grounded, less reactive, self-assured, responsible, connected, strong, brave, and mature in their dealings. The child is emotional, reactive, driven more by ego, knows fear, has a need to be seen, does not always feel safe, feels flight or fight, wants to be liked, is a pleaser and feels they're not being heard or seen, and thrives for validation.
How can my adult help my child to feel loved so I feel happy?
Talk to them, listen to them, see them, validate their feelings, nuture them. Help them understand it's not their fault. Teach them new coping skills and ways to communicate, and help them understand their role and your role.
How do I do this?
Focus on being present, recognizing triggers, establishing boundaries, and embracing acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion for past behaviours. Ask yourself honest questions:
What does the part feel like emotionally?
What does it say?
How does it make you behave?
What does it want?
How does it manage your life, what is its role?
What is its relationship with other people?
What is the protective function?
Is it carrying someone else’s energy? Who’s voice, is it?
How old is the part? What is the memory/memories? What does it cost you to identify with this part?
What is the part afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job?
What do you gain and what do you lose by asking it to step aside?
If you did step to the side and didn’t shame what would life look like? What would the internal monologue be? How would it feel in your body? Can you close your eyes and visualise this?
When might inner child work be helpful?
Unresolved emotions
Low self-esteem
Relationship difficulties
Difficulty setting boundaries
Problems with resentment
Negative self-talk
Feelings of abandonment or rejection
Increased feelings and triggers around anger, guilt, shame, or regret
Unhealthy attachment patterns
Addictions or obsessive behaviours
What are the benefits of Inner Child work?
By acknowledging your inner child, you can identify the painful experiences from your childhood and how they influence you today, helping you to understand your triggers, desires, wants and needs
Reparenting yourself by provides the care and compassion you needed as a child. Learning to accept yourself, reduces internal conflict and fosters internal cooperation.
By processing your emotions, you enable your younger self to express feelings and explore how past experiences influence your current emotions. This process fosters self-compassion and positive self-talk, while reducing judgment, shaming, and negative self-talk.
Let go of outdated behaviours and substitute negative coping strategies with new ones that match your present adult beliefs. This can aid in managing emotions and boosting resilience, leading to greater feelings of calm, safety, and connection.
Self-awareness provides an understanding of every part of yourself, enabling you to become whole and authentic. It can reduce the inner critic, and enhancing self-love and direction
Enhancing relationships can be achieved by nurturing deeper connections. This approach helps prevent emotional reactions, providing greater clarity and reducing drama within your relationships.
It will help you establish better boundaries and stop being a people-pleaser.
Connecting with your inner child can be emotionally intense and paradoxically quite triggering. Yet, when approached with patience, empathy, and compassion, the rewards and sense of liberation can be truly transformative.
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